i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
