did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
