Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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