I just threw up on my dentist
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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