I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
