dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
