Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
