my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Drunk is not a location!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
