My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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