Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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