just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
