I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize