I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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