Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
And my parents said I crawled through the house
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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