So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
