Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
