remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
