Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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