It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
