My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize