worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
