I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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