basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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