i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
