Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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