just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
