Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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