i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
