Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
