my phone needs a breathalizer
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
