so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
