It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
