guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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