not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
