I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
