Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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