The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
