final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
