there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
