My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
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