made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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