I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
