I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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