just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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