Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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