My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
