Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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