She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
