Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
