I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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