Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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