My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
