I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
