I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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