I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
