So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
