My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
