I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
